The saneliving.org blog

2008-08-04T14:35:00.002-05:00

I'm watching The Secret again. I got laid off today, from what I belived to be the perfect job for me. I was enjoying the challenge, the location was near perfect, the pay was right, and it was "permanent", whatever that means by today's standards. I've been laid off plenty, 3 times in the last 3 years, plus two times I quit. Two of those layoffs, I saw coming, one of them was even welcome. This one was a completely different story. I fully expected to stay at this company for a long, long time.
So, based on what I believe about the law of attraction, I must ask myself: Do I attract this instability? What is happening in my thought pattern to attract this increasing instability? Why am I just not "fitting in" anywhere?
I feel so lost. I really want to change my thoughts, and I really need to right now. I need help.

Healing for a ridiculed child

2008-07-31T20:37:00.003-05:00

When I was in grade school, I lived with my mother and stepfather in the middle of nowhere, Wyoming. I was completely unaware that my legs were slightly misshapen until much later in life. I remember running with all my might up the looooooong driveway to where the school bus was waiting, and it seemed to take forever, because the wind was ALWAYS blowing, it was ALWAYS cold, and when I did get to the bus, the kids would be screaming horrible insults at me, telling me I "run like a duck" and even the bus driver telling me to hurry, that everyone was waiting for me.
In gym class, I was always the very last one to be picked for games. I did not want to be picked at all, nor did I want to play any sort of game involving a ball or running. I had a gym teacher who made me stand in front of the entire class and ridiculed me for being a "bad example" of how to do well in his class. He selected my formerly best friend as a shining example of worthiness. She never spoke to me any more after that.
Why am I digging all this up, now, at the age of 40? Good question. It could be a pathetic attempt to obtain pity from strangers. It could be to nurture self loathing and resentment. But in reality, it is something I have been reluctant to think about or focus on until I realized the other day, that it could explain my continuing resistance to anything related to physical fitness. I am in constant conflict with myself because, as I just mentioned, I am 40, and I understand that if I don't take care of my body now, while I am in good health, the risk of poor health is only going to increase. And I will admit, vanity has a part to play as well.
So, what do I want for myself after all is said and done? I want to be fit, healthy, and look good in my jeans. The only thing stopping me from doing that is my own deeply rooted trauma. Those taunting, jeering voices of my school mates, my authority figures, even my step father, although they do not occupy much of my conscious thoughts, they have laid a foundation of how I see myself physically. Now that I am aware of that, and I know what I want for myself, all I need is to build a bridge from there to here. I am going to use EFT to bring peace to that hurt child that is still inside. I will report back here as soon as I feel differently. I fully expect to be taking my 40 year old child to the gym soon, and getting into shape!

Grudges

2008-07-13T15:42:00.002-05:00

What's the difference between having a grudge and just not liking someone?
I firmly believe that there are people who you are just not going to like. No matter how sane and peaceful you keep your life, you just cannot like everyone you meet.
There is a woman in my house right now, on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being you wish they were dead, and 10 being the love of my life, I would put her about 3, maybe even 2. She is loud, rude, disrespectful, and claims to be Christian (only recently). I think she is a parasite. My husband knows her from Mexico. The fact she is here now (unannounced and uninvited - as usual), and not leaving, is making me a prisoner in the TV room. I just dislike her that much, that I would rather stay in here with my computer, than spend any time with her uninvited presence.
Here are the charges:
She accused my favorite belt (bought at discount for $40 at TJ Maxx) of not being real leather, in spite of the stamp on the inside that says "Genuine Leather". I mean, who does that, just walk up to someone and say, "That purse/bag/shoes/etc is not real." Who asked you??? Let me continue to believe what I paid for, alright?
She borrowed my 99 Expedition for way too long. My husband lent her the car and she drove it for at least 3 weeks, the last week or so of which she was unreachable by cell phone. I was one day away from filing a stolen car report with the police when she finally gave it back. With a damaged fender. No apology or thank you, at least not to me. I don't drive the car but I'm sure the tank was probably empty too.
She comes to the house whenever she is "in the area" and invites herself in. And stays way too long, telling lies very loudly. I know they are lies because I pay attention to details, and they tend to change as the dialogue goes on. The stories are just always too outrageous, too over the top, etc. And no matter what your contribution to the conversation, she is compelled to top it. "oh you lost a kidney. well I lost both my kidneys. Yeah, they were stolen. I got one of them returned to me, though... " blah blah blah blah....
I have not one shred of fake hospitality to show her. I do not offer a drink, a seat, I could have a delicious turkey right out of the oven but I would not offer her a drumstick. It would be like giving miracle gro to a weed.
I know how un-enlightened this all sounds, how un-peaceful, un-John Lennon like of me. I am guilty. I just don't like her and I can't fake it.

Remembering John Lennon

2008-07-13T14:10:00.003-05:00

If I was given the gift of time travel, and could choose just one time and place I would like to experience, I would without a single doubt choose San Francisco, Haight-Ashbury area, 1965. Perhaps 64. Whenever the exact beginning of the hippie migration happened. The unique time and place that never before, and never again, would be possible on this earth. The time when all was peace, love, mind-blowing experiences, and nobody could imagine any negative consequences whatsoever.
John Lennon is an icon of that age. "Give peace a chance" is just as relevant today, if not more, than it was then. John was British, but loved America with all his heart, and put himself at great expense and risk to stay, in spite of continual pressure to leave.
People seem to generally believe that you must choose to be either pro-peace or patriotic; that patriotism is synonymous with support for war, any war. John was living proof that the two are not mutually exclusive at all!
I just learned from a documentary about him, that he and I have a lot in common. We both were born to a father who could care less, disappeared, and a mother who was not mentally or emotionally equipped to raise a child, let alone raise one alone. And we both turned out in spite of all that, to be peace loving, compassionate people, although somewhat rebellious. I do believe we would have a great deal to talk about.
I think John Lennon deserves a day of recognition. I think we should remember him every year, on the date of his assasination, because that day was the end of his physical being, but it was not the end of his life.
Peace, man.

Rules of Engagement

2008-06-21T17:15:00.002-05:00

I have, over the past 40 years or so, collected and refined my own set of rules that I apply to relationships. I would like to share with you, the rules of engagement that I use for friendships. I would like to know if you think they are reasonable, or if I am a complete hypocrite.

Of course you must understand that if you call me a hypocrite, I will fly off the handle and say, “No, you’re the hypocrite, you hypocrite! How dare you call me a hypocrite!” Doesn’t everyone do that when being accused of hypocrisy?

But actually, please understand, also, that I am not saying that these are "The Rules" of friendship, nor do I recommend these rules for everyone. This is simply a self exploration exercise. It was quite a revealing experience to write all of this down, even if no one ever reads it.

This should be interesting, however, in light of the fact that these rules exist, but they have never before been published or communicated in any way. I don’t hand out contracts every time I meet someone. That might not be a bad idea; if anyone ever gets offended or pissed off at me, I can point to the contract and say, “It’s in the contract. I’m allowed to do that.” Just like Wells Fargo. But, unlike Wells Fargo, I make exceptions all the time. All of the following rules have exceptions, unless explicitly stated otherwise.

Rule 1: Friendships, in order to remain active, must be maintained by both parties. For example: If I call you and invite you to a party, or lunch, or happy hour, and you must decline or cancel, you are responsible for re-scheduling. Failure to reschedule 3 times will result in removal from future invitation lists. At any time after that, if you initiate contact and offer an invitation, your position on invitation lists is immediately restored and we can start all over again.

Rule 2: You must be able to drink responsibly, or not at all. Example: I know a certain person, whom I have crossed paths with at least 10 times, and not once have I ever seen her sober. If she were ever sober, she might have something to contribute to a friendship, perhaps (perhaps not), but I will probably never know. Another example: someone I met when she was sober, seemed like a nice, fun person to hang out with, so we go out for drinks. She has 2 or 3 margaritas and cannot stand up. Embarrassing, and we probably won’t be hanging out again.

Rule 3: No drug users. Exception: pot. I don’t mind people who smoke pot. I’m not getting into a major moral or philosophical debate about it, but in my opinion, there is pot, and then there is everything else. People who do coke, meth, etc., are living in a different world than I am, and I want to keep it that way.

Rule 4: No liars. I take people at face value, and I don’t lie to people about anything, ever. I mean, an exception would be, the “I’m happy, everything is fine” lie that you tell just about everyone when your relationship is not 100% great at the moment. That’s fine, sometimes you just don’t want to talk about stuff, I understand. I do it, too. But don’t lie about big stuff, like, my car got stolen, but you find out later the car did not belong to them and the owner just took it back. Or, the complete fabrication of an entire life history.

Rule 5: (Goes hand in hand with Rule 4.) No manipulators. If you want something from me, just come out and ask me. I love doing favors for people. If I am in a position to do something nice, I am going to enjoy the experience of helping out a friend. However, if I find myself being manipulated by someone, it will be the last time for that person. That is the only way for someone to become “dead” to me.

Rule 6: Never, ever date or become romantically involved with the ex of a friend. Or, god forbid, their current partner! I’ve been fortunate that this has not happened to me, but if it did, I’m sure it would be devastating.

So, although I do have rules for friendship, they are pretty basic and I can decide usually after one or two times, whether or not I will want that person’s presence in my life. The rules don’t change and I don’t change my mind later down the road. That is why I continue to be mystified when people who have been in my circle, or I have been in their circle, suddenly after 6 months or a year, disappear, and don’t return phone calls or emails. I often wonder what I did or said to cause them to change their mind about me. I know it’s a waste of time and energy, but I do find myself really feeling sad about some of the friends who have disappeared along the way. I realize that there is more than a slight possibility that it might have nothing at all to do with me. That being said, the ones who disappear after establishing friendship, passing all of my rules, do have something they probably don’t even know about, and I have no way of telling them: They are always welcome back. I don’t carry negative energy toward them at all, only a bit of paranoia about the friends I have now disappearing.

Cloud of DOOM and Paranoia

2008-06-17T14:32:00.003-05:00

I occasionally have trouble with extreme paranoia. I get this feeling that a dark cloud is following me, and once in a while it catches up and squats right down on top of me. Those days are dark and dreadful. I start imagining that everyone is against me, every single person in my life, every friend, co-worker, my manager, my husband, my family, every friend I have ever had... all are against me, or hate me, or at the very least are apathetic and could care less about my sad existence. It gets worse. I imagine my husband is cheating on me, and the company I work for is about to lay me off. Perhaps one of my closest friends is with my husband, or has been, and they are laughing at me. OH HORRORS!!! Add to that, worst case scenarios involving loss of money and property, global warming, the economy in the toilet, terrorism... boogey monsters around every corner!
Of course, any SANE person would be able to shake thoughts like that and never allow them a moment of time, let alone take root and grow like Jack's beanstalk. But that is exactly what that cloud of doom is. I can see it sometimes on the horizon, and sometimes I wake up and there it is hanging over me. The worst part is, I feel completely alone, and that no friend in the world is willing to listen to my paranoid thoughts and comfort me, because, well maybe I deserve it. I'm essentially a bad person and I deserve this punishment. Yeah, that's in there too.
Of course this is all BULLSHIT and as I said yesterday, "It's nobodys fault but mine". The good news about that is, it is mine, therefore I alone can destroy the cloud. I do have friends, and not only are they willing to listen, they want to help.
A few days ago I used EFT after wasting a couple of days feeling doomed. Not Armageddon doomed, just a little doomed, like a regular supporting cast member on Star Trek. Things might look pretty grim, but you know they will be back next week.
We were discussing things that I might be suppressing that might be poisoning my spirit and my thoughts. At first childhood was discussed, since there is no shortage of trauma for most people who experience this type of issue. But failing to hit anything terribly sensitive, I suddenly realized we need to jump forward 16 years, to high school. With the help of my guide, I did EFT on a very traumatic experience from high school that has left deep emotional scars. We repeated the EFT process about 3 times, and after the 3rd time, I was able to tell the story without any of that feeling, like my guts are being vacuumed from the inside.
That was last Thursday. This is Tuesday, and I have had a fantastic week. I feel like reading and meditating in the morning, which gets my day off to a great start. It also tells me that I am in a good emotional place, just the fact that I want to read and meditate. I am feeling very strong against the cloud, it is staying far away from me now. I know I can keep it there by focusing on gratitude, and flushing any negative memory and thought as soon as it tries to creep into my mind.

Nobody's Fault But Mine

2008-06-16T17:19:00.002-05:00

OK I admit it, I'm listening to Led Zeppelin on my ipod right now. I could not think of a title for today's blog that doesn't sound trite and smarmy. LZ is anything but trite and smarmy, so I took a look at the song title to see if it fit... and wow, cool! Whether I'm having a good day or a bad day, it's nobody's fault but mine. And right now I'm having a fantastic day, so even better!

My job is going very well. As you might remember, I started this job in February, and I was so close to the brink of disaster, I could look right into the dark pit and get dizzy from vertigo. That first paycheck actually brought tears of gratitude and relief to my eyes.

As soon as the gratitude started to subside, the paranoia started to get a grip on me. I knew I had 90 days in which to prove my worthiness. I struggled at first, to learn all the technical layers and processes of a new system and new application. Then, to add to a gnawing sensation of doom, they laid off a bunch of people last month. I was relieved not to be one of them, but at the same time I wondered why, and I wondered how long before I was next.

I continued getting up each day looking forward to my job, and I still do. I refused to give in to the cloud of doom that followed me and even squatted down right on top of me a time or two. I continued to read The Secret. Now, it may be a non sequitur, (religious people do it all the time, so I think I'm entitled) but I am willing to risk credibility and possibly sanity by suggesting that the positive thinking introduced to me by The Secret may have had something to do with all of this.

But wait, I am talking about much more than just not losing my job. I had my 90 day review 2 weeks ago and it went extremely well. I was thrilled to hear that my manager was happy with my progress. It took a couple of days, but I worked up the nerve to bring up the fact that my offer letter mentioned a pay increase if, after 90 days, I was doing well. Well, I was just informed this morning that I got the increase! WOOHOO!!! And there is a possibility of another increase next month when they do annual reviews for the whole company. :)

And all of this, is nobody's fault but mine!

Miss Pissy Pants

2008-03-25T16:04:00.004-05:00

That's me, today.

My problems are dreadful. Not everybody in my world likes me and I can't stand it!

Well, my view on life might be a bit skewed right now due to hormones. But I have been given some great opportunities to use self help methods to return balance to my roller coaster emotions.

One friend of mine, who is just the most adorable and sweet person you ever could meet, is one of the suspects. She did not come to my party this weekend. I invited her weeks ago, and she immediately rsvp'd that she would go with her boyfriend. Not only did she not show up, she never called either. So today, being 3 days after the party, I IM'd her, to see what the deal is. She replied that she just did not feel like going, she went motorcycle riding instead. Then she logged off IM without saying anything further, or even saying "brb" or "hey i'm going to lunch" or anything. I saw her log back on and she never said another word all afternoon. The message seems clear to me: "Leave me alone, I didn't want to go to your stupid party." I can't get over it. I have not the foggiest idea what I might have done to offend her. My feelings are very hurt right now. I want to ask her WTF, but that is not really my style. I am hanging onto that seemingly improbable idea that this might not be about me. Really? Is that possible?

Well one of my other sweet adorable friends (not one of today's suspects) helped me (or should I say, attempted to help me) through this situation with the Sedona method. She asked me three questions: 1. could you (in theory) simply release this "very pissy" feeling? 2. would you (would you like to/prefer to) simply release this "very pissy" feeling? 3. WHEN???

Obviously the correct answers to 1 and 2 are "yes", and the answer to 3 is "now", which I tried to, am still trying to, respond with, without much success. I still feel too justified in my hurt. I don't know how this will work out, but for now I am just going to use my default option of not confronting her, and see how I feel tomorrow.

The other suspect of the day is my cube neighbor. I am supposed to be shadowing her, and I jump on every opportunity to learn more about my job and the environment we work in. For some background: The cube I occupy, across from my neighbor, was until last week occupied by another BA that quit, under what I gather to be unhappy circumstances. Immediately after she left, the whiteboard in the cube had a message "This cube now belongs to Adam". Well, the subject came up with me & my manager, that it would be nice for me to be closer to the action, the BA I am supposed to be shadowing, and the other BAs and SAs. My existing location was rather isolated, and frankly, lonely. So, I jumped on the chance, and she said, well move you into Jane's old cube. I said, what about Adam? She said, oh well too bad, or something to that effect. This conversation was right about 5:00 pm on a Thursday, so I moved the next day. My new neighbor was not in that day.
Monday, I happened to be in the elevator with my new neighbor. I said, hey guess what! I moved into Jane's old cube! Her reaction was simply, I thought Adam was moving into that cube???? She was obviously not happy at all about this change of plans.
Well there is no making this long story short. She has been rather on the chilly side since then. I noticed that in spite of the tremendous workload she has, she is not letting go of any of it. Today she actually handed some of it to another cube neighbor. Something I could have done. Maybe not easily, but that's the whole point of me being assigned to help her, I have to learn how to do this stuff!

OK so I will report back soon and let you know how things worked out, and how I keep my emotional balance regardless of what either of these people says or does.

Other Father

2008-03-19T15:11:00.004-05:00

In my earlier post about the dream, I told about how I came to terms with my less than spectacular relationship with my stepfather. Since then I have been noticing the way I think of my biological father.

Since he left when I was 3, I have no memory of him whatsoever, as a child. However, he did write to me when I was 18 and sent airfare to come meet him in Los Angeles. That whole part of my memory always leaves me feeling one of two things: deep regret, blaming myself for the complete failure of that visit, (I did behave horribly) for the lost opportunity to have a relationship with him. Or, deep resentment toward him, for not giving me another chance, (I did apologize for my behavior and turned myself around) after all, he did abandon me, and as far as I know, never attempted to help my mother support me at all. Neither one of those feelings is happy or healthy, and they do nothing to enlighten my current spiritual or personal growth. They are poisonous, in fact.

So, the next time I have time to myself, I know what I will focus on with EFT. I have not done that exercise since the first one that released me from my anger toward my mother. I think this is another dragon to be slain, and I expect to be that much closer to achieving balance and harmony in this life. I'll let you know how it works out!

Update on sleep problem

2008-03-04T16:17:00.004-06:00

It's near the end of my 7th business day at my new job. (I detest being new, why can't I just fast forward to where I know everything I need to know??) Anyway, remember my post about not being able to get up in the mornings, all my life, forever? Well somewhere between there and here, changes have happened. I have been getting out of bed, walking, eating breakfast, showering, and getting to work on time, every day!! This is a definite victory for me. I set my alarm, and most days get up immediately, sometimes I hit "snooze" just once, but only once and that's it! Today I got up before the alarm even went off!

Skyling made a comment about the sleep issue, and she came close in one of her suggestions. She asked me what time I usually go to bed. She had no idea what a chain reaction of thoughts that triggered! The truth is, I have no self discipline when it comes time to go to bed and go to sleep. I am just like a rebellious toddler who has to be drop dead exhausted before I will succumb to climbing into bed for sleep. Plus, we have a TV in the bedroom, which my husband and I enjoy on the weekends, we like to watch movies or HGTV or automotive shows in bed in the mornings. But, at night, it can be too tempting to turn on Sci Fi or a movie channel, and watch it until I gradually lose consciousness.

Right now you must be marveling at my remedial logic skills. Seems pretty darn obvious, all things considered. But, I haven't always had a TV in my bedroom!

The thing is, I don't think it was simply the time of day I went to sleep. I think sleep was also an escape for me. I was escaping my own discontent. Now, after seeing results from EFT, the Secret, and the Work, as well as making a conscious effort to go to bed earlier consistently, I believe I am seeing a real change in this aspect of my life. A deeply desired change. A change I expect to become permanent. *BIG SMILE*

Enlightenment via a dream

2008-03-03T13:14:00.003-06:00

I like to remember my dreams. I have heard from reliable sources, that everyone dreams. People who say they don’t dream, most likely simply do not remember their dreams, or do not try to remember, or just don’t want to. I enjoy my dreams, with the rare exception of a nightmare, and I almost always wake up with at least a partial memory of my dreams. Sometimes they are like action movies, sometimes they are funny, and sometimes they are just random vague images and emotions. Every once in a while, they provide insight into a current situation, but if the connection is not obvious, I don’t waste too much energy trying to make one.

I had a powerfully emotional dream last night, and I feel compelled to share it because of the incredible significance and relevance it has for me. I would almost go as far as to say it has created a turning point in my emotional growth, for the better.

In order for you to understand the significance of this dream, I must provide some background from my childhood.

I have no brothers or sisters. I never knew my biological father, and my mother married my stepfather when I was about 5 years old. I never called him “Dad”. He made no attempt to be a “Dad” to me.

The three of us moved from Ohio, where I had cousins and friends, to Wyoming, where none of us had any family, and furthermore we moved into a house in the middle of nowhere. No neighbors, no kids to play with, nowhere to go. It was, if memory serves me, 8 miles of dirt road to get to a paved 2 lane road, and then it was 10 or 15 more miles to the nearest city, Cheyenne. I remember going to the store with my mom, and mom flipping out because we were halfway home and she forgot to get milk, or some item at the store, and it was a huge deal because there was no turning around and going back. It was just too far. There was absolutely nothing between point A and point B, except a bar about halfway, and the school I attended until I went to Junior High school.

I was a lonely, sad, angry child. I did not make friends easily. When we moved to the city, I was 16 and out of control. I have to believe that there is a purpose for my life that had not been fulfilled yet, because I could have easily ended up dead or in jail the way I was going.
As an adult, I have experienced much more success, relatively speaking, than one would expect from a person with my background. I have a degree in Information Technology, I am happily married, I have a house and a dog. I even have a sports car. However, until I had that dream last night, I did not realize how much resentment I was still hanging onto about my childhood. On second thought, maybe I did on some level, realize, but I either did not know what to do about it, or just got comfortable with it.

Anyway, the dream consisted of me looking down at a big diagram, a plan for a property in Wyoming. The plan had the property lines drawn out, and a river running through the middle, and hundreds and hundreds of trees, and a house near the center. With my dream vision, I could see more than just the drawing. I had more of a vision of how beautiful this property was supposed to be: green trees, running water, peace and quiet. I felt profoundly, deeply, grief stricken, on behalf of my stepfather. In my dream, I was literally sobbing. The contrast between what his intentions were, and how things actually happened, was overwhelming. (For one thing, I remember trees being planted, and never lasting through the season. The windy and cold winters killed every living thing, every year. The river flooded worse and worse every year and threatened to wash away the house.)

Yes, I realize it was just a dream. I don’t know if I will ever get to find out what my stepfather’s intentions really were, if they were anything like my dream. But you know what? It doesn’t matter. What matters now, is what I choose to believe. And I believe that dream was a gift. It was a gift of emotional freedom from whatever lingering resentment I may have been holding on to.

My mom and stepfather divorced about 15 years ago, and he died about 10 years ago. I flew to Wyoming for the funeral. I did not cry.

The divorce was ugly and sad. I spoke to him and emailed him a few times, the last year or so that he was alive. We both tried to bridge the chasm of time and geography and years of apathy and neglect, but there was not much to say. I’m not sure how much any of this has to do with EFT, or The Secret, or The Work, but I’m going to go out on a fallacy and suggest that since it follows, perhaps it is caused by, the work I have been doing within those philosophies. I don’t see the harm in that suggestion.

Good dog!

2008-02-20T16:43:00.004-06:00

For the past couple of weeks, I have made a sincere change in my thoughts and actions. I have not been allowing myself to think or say anything negative about myself, my current situation, or my future. Of course, I’m not 100%, as you can see in Monday’s entry. I re-read it just now, and it does seem a little negative to refer to my new employment status as the end of my freedom. Well, I will keep trying!

I am noticing a significant difference in my emotional well being. I don’t think it is simply due to the change in circumstance. I cannot remember the last time I have had 2 complete weeks of feeling well, content, happy, and not feeling melancholy, regretful, or just sad. Now, when those old clouds start to gather, I see them coming and change my thoughts immediately. It’s amazing how much control I have over them, and it’s disturbing to think how much time I have wasted by just letting those clouds stay and stay without a fight. It reminds me of my dog. I have a huge rottweiler, who is just a sweet, loveable 4 year old puppy. When I let him in from the yard and he is all muddy and stinky, I put one of those tension spring baby gates in the kitchen doorway to keep him in his room in the back of the house. He does not have a clue that he could knock that gate down, or jump over it, like it was a couple of toothpicks, and not feel a thing. To him, that baby gate might as well be made of cinder blocks. He has never even tried to jump it or push it over. That is how I have been, all my life, with the negative thoughts and dark clouds that I let block out the sunshine, and keep me trapped in my dark room. It never occurred to me that I might have the power to remove them.

I am going to love my new job, and I am going to be a success. I will wake up early each morning without a struggle. I did it today! How about that? I can change 40 years of habit. It is up to me.

Experiencing FREEDOM

2008-02-18T16:39:00.001-06:00

Monday. Today is Monday, my last Monday of freedom before entering the corporate rat race once again. I spent the first half of the day in bed with my husband. The interesting and unique thing about that is, the absence of guilt. Even though I had ideas about how I could make constructive use of my last free Monday, I did not do anything and did not feel the least bit guilty about it. We watched 2 war movies, ate breakfast, and then showered. I made a phone call, sent an email, and then worked at making jewelry with my friend who stopped by with some wine. Now I am back in bed, watching “The Godfather” with my husband. It doesn’t get any better than this, how could it?

What does any of this have to do with The Secret, or The Work, or EFT? I don’t know, but the truth is, I have never had such a lovely, guilt-free, lazy day in my life, and the only difference is the experimenting I have been doing with these new concepts. I even woke up early, however, I don't claim complete victory over my sleep issues because all I did was let the dog out & went back to bed, and slept until after 10. I think I could have stayed up if I wanted to, but my husband was still in bed, and we are still newlyweds, you know!

Addicted to sleep

2008-02-13T12:40:00.005-06:00

Today I woke up with a bad headache. I have had intense headaches since I was 20, with little success identifying the exact cause, and only recently discovered what combination of drugs will ease the pain. EFT has not worked on the headaches so far, but I am going to keep trying. Today I simply took drugs. However, I do feel much better than I did yesterday. Now that my headache is gone, I have a higher than normal energy level and I feel motivated to do stuff.

I just wish this sleep problem was not such a complete mystery. Do I have a sleep addiction? Or a sleep disorder? Is there a difference? Is it possible I have had the wrong mattresses all my life? I do think sleep is an escape mechanism. If that is the case, I hope to see a change once I clear out some issues with EFT. Maybe I won't need to figure out why, maybe it will resolve itself, if it is just a symptom of something else that is out of balance.

Just to give you a little insight to the depth of my sleep issue: My earliest memories are of being taken to day care, sleeping in the car on the way there, and my mom handing me over to the lady, and going back to sleep at day care. I remember that lady having to wake me up in order to eat, and not wanting to wake up. So, when I say "all my life", I really mean it.

Give me a break

2008-02-12T12:40:00.001-06:00

Today I did not feel like doing EFT. I did not feel like doing anything at all. The last time I did EFT I focused on waking up more easily in the mornings. Today I slept until at least 10, and as usual, and did not want to wake up at all. Later, I found myself on the couch, working on the computer, and not wanting to move.

I spent some time thinking about what I wanted to focus on, and I realized that I could not focus on anything at all. I was just apathetic and numb. So, I did EFT on being apathetic and numb. I did manage to get up and take a shower after that, and even washed dishes and made some jewelry. However, my energy level never did register above say, 2 on a scale of 1 – 10. I am not discouraged, however. I think there are many other issues I can resolve with EFT, if only I can focus on identifying them. Today is just not one of those days.

Announcing the re-launch of saneliving.org!

2008-02-11T19:18:00.001-06:00

www.saneliving.org has just been redeployed as a dynamic Ruby on Rails website!

This means a few things. First, it's easier for me to post articles, so that means more articles will finally get posted! And secondly, it accommodates some new product & ad placements, which we haven't done before (but I won't let them overwhelm the real content, no worries).

The new site already has 4 new articles and I will be posting more tonight.

Also, look for a new exclusive line of t-shirts designed by new & emerging artists, coming soon! They will have positive messages and no company logo (I hate products with logos... and walking around with negative messages on your chest doesn't strike me as a terribly sane practice!). I am very excited about putting this together.

Please check out the site and let me know what you think of it!

Manifest success!

2008-02-11T12:37:00.002-06:00

I have been asking “The Universe” for a job for some time now. I got laid off in October last year, and my savings are completely gone. I spent the majority of my time being either depressed, or distracted with holiday activities. In January, with the holidays officially over, depression and fear loomed large.

Something you should know about me: Even though I have struggled with depression and anger all my life, I have also always had faith. Not religion, but faith that something better is in my future.

My faith was tested during this time of unemployment. I began focusing on what I perceived as failures in my past jobs, and even began to suspect that somehow I had something to do with being laid off my last job, even though my employer made it very clear that he did not want to let me go, and that it was strictly a financial decision. My confidence was gone. However, my actions did not reflect my lack of confidence. In my job search activities, my practice was to only apply for and pursue jobs that I was genuinely qualified for and interested in. I decided exactly how far I was willing to commute, and refused to follow any leads outside that area. Houston is an enormous city, 600 square miles. It is not uncommon for people to commute for over an hour each direction to and from work. I have experienced that lifestyle, and I have made a determination that I will not sacrifice my quality of life in that way. I purchased a home near downtown for that reason.

I also decided exactly what types of jobs I would and would not pursue. If I read a job description for a position that required, for instance, Project Management certification, which I do not have, I would not even apply for it. If a job description required a skill I do not have, and if it was a skill I could not realistically “brush up on”, such as writing code in C++, I would not apply for it, even if I had most of the other qualifications. In fact, even though I have Project Management experience, I gave up on pursuing Project Management positions altogether, because I know there is too much competition from people with certifications. Instead, I pursued Business Analysis, which, after careful consideration, I realized I was more qualified for anyway. I did not see nearly as many BA opportunities as there were PM opportunities, but that did not affect my decision. I just had to look harder.

Then, when I was introduced to The Secret, I realized that I was already doing some of the things they talked about. I was setting my expectations and being specific about what I wanted. I was following through with any action that could reasonably be expected of me. And you know what happened? I was contacted by an employment agency with an opportunity for a permanent Business Analyst position, in my chosen geographical area, and the job description was a perfect match with my skills. I interviewed with the agency, and then with 4 different people from the company, and all of the interviews were absolutely painless. They were easy because the job really was a perfect match. I did not have to “spin” any of my experience, or gloss over any requirements, or dance around any tricky questions. After each interview, I truly felt that the interviewer and I both had enough information to make a sound decision. I felt no anxiety about not getting the job; I gave it over to the universe, knowing that if I was not a fit for the job, it would be for reasons beyond anything I could change.

But I did get the job! They offered me the same salary I was making at my last job, which is more than I expected, plus benefits, which I have not had in 3 years! I am so happy and excited, and I can look forward to a career starting on the right foot because there were no games played during the process. There is not one single thing that I withheld or offered that I cannot back up. The location is perfect. I feel completely validated, because they want me for what I truly offer with my business experience and education.

...

I’m going to test this EFT on a very challenging problem over the next few weeks, and I am going to post my progress here. This could be very interesting. If it works, it will change my life in a significant way, in a way that I have been wishing I could change for a long time, but it always seems beyond my control. I had given up hope that I could ever change this one thing.

My challenge is simply this: I never want to wake up in the morning. I know that probably sounds extremely trivial, and many people will identify with it, but maybe I need to go a little deeper to explain the negative impact I feel from this, so you can understand why I want to change it so badly.

I have tried alarms, putting the alarm in another room, turning on lights, going to bed earlier, but nothing seems to work. No matter how much sleep I get, I never, ever wake up feeling refreshed and ready to get up and start the day. If I was never required to be anywhere, I would probably get up at around 10:00 every day. But when I have a job to go to, say 8:00 or 8:30, I set my alarm for 6:30 or 7:00, and hit “snooze” a dozen times until I finally realize that if I will definitely be late to work if I snooze any more. I delude myself into thinking that I can shower, dress, put makeup and dry my hair in less than 20 minutes. I forget that my car has no gas in it, or discover that the outfit I planned on wearing is dirty.

I hear people talk about getting up and exercising in the morning. Are they for real? Can we possibly be the same species from the same planet? I am mystified.

I want to change this about myself. I want to be a morning person. Or at least a functional person. I want to be able to get up, even if I do still have to use an alarm, but if I could just wake up and immediately jump into the shower, the first time it goes off, every single day. Wow. Do you think it’s possible to stop this routine morning torture? Do you think I need to find out why I am this way? (I rule out physical factors simply because I have been like this all my life.) Or do you think EFT will bring the change I want so badly, simply by focusing on the unwanted behavior? Is it possible to change a hibernating bear into a morning person?

I will be following up on this. How exciting, the idea of making such a positive change!

But I LIKE wine!

2008-02-07T12:37:00.001-06:00

I continue my daily EFT sessions. I noticed that it is difficult for me to quiet my mind enough to concentrate. I play meditative music, but I noticed that I still have to make a conscious effort to quiet my mind. It’s like a hamster on a wheel, and it can’t get off.

Anyway, I have also noticed an unexpected side effect of this therapy. Although I have not given any conscious thought to drinking, because I don’t feel that it is a problem for me, I have noticed that I no longer feel like drinking. I had never really paid too much attention to the emotion that preceded the opening of a bottle of wine, but now that it’s not there, I am able to see it objectively for the first time. I am genuinely surprised to discover that the feeling seems to be a mixture of self pity, rebellion, and anxiety. It seems that the emotional healing that is obviously happening, is having this unforeseen effect on my personal life. I am free from a somewhat destructive, definitely expensive, vice.

I had an experience yesterday that illustrated how far I’ve come with my anger. (That is the root issue I am doing EFT on. I don’t know why I didn’t just say that to begin with.) I went to the DMV to replace my driver’s license to reflect my new married name, and when I finally found a parking space in the overcrowded lot, there was a guy standing next to his truck, just sort of hanging out. Now, the old me would have honked impatiently, or at the very least, waited with building aggravation until he moved, and I probably would not have been very nice about parking when he did move.

Instead, I waited until he looked up, and the lightbulb went on that he was standing in the spot I wanted to park in, and I smiled at him. He quickly jumped out of the way, and when I got out, he apologized. I said, don’t worry about it, I’m going to be in there all day anyway, no reason to hurry! And we both smiled.

I feel like I’m turning a garbage dump into a garden. I’m clearing out all this old crap that has been polluting my spirit, and preparing for growth. EFT is the backhoe machine that I am using to remove the trash; The Secret is the seed for growth. I am already seeing how much easier it is to decide what I want out of life, and specific things are coming to the surface. I don’t have to work at it!

I have to be honest, I was a little overwhelmed by the ideas presented in The Secret. I did not disagree with any of them, I just wondered how I was ever going to focus enough to decide what I really want and go for it. What I am learning now is, I did not need to worry. It seems that the seeds were already there, and now that the garbage is nearly cleared away, they are gaining strength on their own. My enthusiasm and optimism is growing every day. My lifelong depression is lifting in a way I never knew possible. This is real. And, so much better than medication.

EFT - A skeptic's experiment

2008-02-06T12:34:00.001-06:00

NOTE: I am publishing the first few entries I had started about a week ago, so they are back-dated. From now on, I'll be publishing them here, so the dates will be more accurate.

I have been reading about EFT over the past few days. I decided to try it today, since my husband left for a business trip and I found myself alone with some time on my hands. It took me a while to decide what to try it on first. Should I go for something easy first, just to see how it works, or should I go for some big issue and see what kind of impact might occur?

Well, true to my nature, I went for the whole shebang. I focused on a lifelong issue I have been consciously aware of for quite some time, and have had some success dealing with, but something that I was afraid I might never fully overcome.

I started with the first step, tapping on the side of my right hand, and saying the phrase out loud, “Even though I have this issue, (I stated it specifically), I deeply and completely accept myself.” The first time I said the phrase out loud while tapping, I thought, maybe I bit off more than I can chew. The tears came streaming down my face as I thought about the possibility that I could truly be free of this poisonous issue. I am convinced that it was absolutely poisoning the rest of my life, and all of the other issues I was thinking about addressing are probably secondary, side effects of the emotional poison I have been carrying around all my life.

Right now, I will finish writing this and continue with another round of EFT focused on that issue. The intensity of emotion is already subsiding a little. I can feel the healing beginning, and a little anxiety. The poison has been with me for so long, that the prospect of being free from it brings a little anxiety, only because I can’t picture what that will be like.

Amy's Pursuit of Sanity

2008-02-01T12:27:00.000-06:00

Hi, I’m Amy and I’m going to be sharing my story here, I hope you enjoy it.

I think I’m a good guinea pig for saneliving.org, because I have a skeptical nature. I am not religious, therefore I’m not going to be evangelical, and I am willing to admit that I have issues just like most people do. I’m going to share a little bit about my issues, and I will try different self-help techniques on them and report the outcome. I’ll try to be as objective as possible.

The techniques being studied here are: The Secret, EFT (Emotional Freedom Therapy), The Work, and the Sedona Method. You can read more about all of these on saneliving.org.

I have studied The Secret and EFT quite extensively, and I have this to say about them: Even if they don’t work, even if they do not provide miraculous relief from whatever symptom or ailment I try them on, there is absolutely no harm done. I’m not out to disprove the techniques, I just have a pragmatic approach.

I have read what some critics have to say about The Secret and EFT. Understandably, they are alarmed at some of the claims made by people who say they have been healed of serious medical problems. While I do not have anything close to life-threatening, I do want to point out that in all of the material I have read, the authors always append a caveat to each success story involving serious medical problems: Consult with your doctor. Nobody is advocating the abandonment of medical treatment for diagnosed illnesses.

Some critics have nothing more to say than, it’s just another “positive thinking” gimmick. Well, fine. I have read Og Mandino, Zig Ziglar, and Norman Vincent Peale as well. However, it wasn’t until I saw “The Secret” and experimented with EFT that I really saw any significant positive change. These methods worked for me. They may not work for other people. Maybe Zig Ziglar did it for some, but not me. Actually, I think I was very young when I read that book, and who knows? Maybe that’s where my optimism came from, that has sustained me this far.

I have decided to ignore the critics, at least for now. I can’t see any harm in believing that “thoughts become things”, negative or positive, therefore I am motivated to keep my thoughts positive. If EFT alleviates emotional hang-ups, and I can smile at strangers more often, then I think the world is a little bit better.

site redesign is in the near future

2007-11-02T14:48:00.000-05:00

Hi all,

I know I haven't posted much here or on www.saneliving.org in a while. I have lots of new ideas and content I want to add, but I am waiting until I get the chance to redesign the site as a dynamic site so I can add more content more easily.

That day should not be too far in the future :) I expect it to be a few weeks from now, in fact. We will be taking the same Ruby on Rails back-end that is now being used for one of our other sites, www.living-in-houston.com, and using it for this site.

Some new features to look for: carefully chosen products, book reviews, many new articles, and an e-newsletter. Later we will add community features such as bulletin boards.

Thanks for reading! :)