Rules of Engagement

I have, over the past 40 years or so, collected and refined my own set of rules that I apply to relationships. I would like to share with you, the rules of engagement that I use for friendships. I would like to know if you think they are reasonable, or if I am a complete hypocrite.

Of course you must understand that if you call me a hypocrite, I will fly off the handle and say, “No, you’re the hypocrite, you hypocrite! How dare you call me a hypocrite!” Doesn’t everyone do that when being accused of hypocrisy?

But actually, please understand, also, that I am not saying that these are "The Rules" of friendship, nor do I recommend these rules for everyone. This is simply a self exploration exercise. It was quite a revealing experience to write all of this down, even if no one ever reads it.

This should be interesting, however, in light of the fact that these rules exist, but they have never before been published or communicated in any way. I don’t hand out contracts every time I meet someone. That might not be a bad idea; if anyone ever gets offended or pissed off at me, I can point to the contract and say, “It’s in the contract. I’m allowed to do that.” Just like Wells Fargo. But, unlike Wells Fargo, I make exceptions all the time. All of the following rules have exceptions, unless explicitly stated otherwise.

Rule 1: Friendships, in order to remain active, must be maintained by both parties. For example: If I call you and invite you to a party, or lunch, or happy hour, and you must decline or cancel, you are responsible for re-scheduling. Failure to reschedule 3 times will result in removal from future invitation lists. At any time after that, if you initiate contact and offer an invitation, your position on invitation lists is immediately restored and we can start all over again.

Rule 2: You must be able to drink responsibly, or not at all. Example: I know a certain person, whom I have crossed paths with at least 10 times, and not once have I ever seen her sober. If she were ever sober, she might have something to contribute to a friendship, perhaps (perhaps not), but I will probably never know. Another example: someone I met when she was sober, seemed like a nice, fun person to hang out with, so we go out for drinks. She has 2 or 3 margaritas and cannot stand up. Embarrassing, and we probably won’t be hanging out again.

Rule 3: No drug users. Exception: pot. I don’t mind people who smoke pot. I’m not getting into a major moral or philosophical debate about it, but in my opinion, there is pot, and then there is everything else. People who do coke, meth, etc., are living in a different world than I am, and I want to keep it that way.

Rule 4: No liars. I take people at face value, and I don’t lie to people about anything, ever. I mean, an exception would be, the “I’m happy, everything is fine” lie that you tell just about everyone when your relationship is not 100% great at the moment. That’s fine, sometimes you just don’t want to talk about stuff, I understand. I do it, too. But don’t lie about big stuff, like, my car got stolen, but you find out later the car did not belong to them and the owner just took it back. Or, the complete fabrication of an entire life history.

Rule 5: (Goes hand in hand with Rule 4.) No manipulators. If you want something from me, just come out and ask me. I love doing favors for people. If I am in a position to do something nice, I am going to enjoy the experience of helping out a friend. However, if I find myself being manipulated by someone, it will be the last time for that person. That is the only way for someone to become “dead” to me.

Rule 6: Never, ever date or become romantically involved with the ex of a friend. Or, god forbid, their current partner! I’ve been fortunate that this has not happened to me, but if it did, I’m sure it would be devastating.

So, although I do have rules for friendship, they are pretty basic and I can decide usually after one or two times, whether or not I will want that person’s presence in my life. The rules don’t change and I don’t change my mind later down the road. That is why I continue to be mystified when people who have been in my circle, or I have been in their circle, suddenly after 6 months or a year, disappear, and don’t return phone calls or emails. I often wonder what I did or said to cause them to change their mind about me. I know it’s a waste of time and energy, but I do find myself really feeling sad about some of the friends who have disappeared along the way. I realize that there is more than a slight possibility that it might have nothing at all to do with me. That being said, the ones who disappear after establishing friendship, passing all of my rules, do have something they probably don’t even know about, and I have no way of telling them: They are always welcome back. I don’t carry negative energy toward them at all, only a bit of paranoia about the friends I have now disappearing.

Cloud of DOOM and Paranoia

I occasionally have trouble with extreme paranoia. I get this feeling that a dark cloud is following me, and once in a while it catches up and squats right down on top of me. Those days are dark and dreadful. I start imagining that everyone is against me, every single person in my life, every friend, co-worker, my manager, my husband, my family, every friend I have ever had... all are against me, or hate me, or at the very least are apathetic and could care less about my sad existence. It gets worse. I imagine my husband is cheating on me, and the company I work for is about to lay me off. Perhaps one of my closest friends is with my husband, or has been, and they are laughing at me. OH HORRORS!!! Add to that, worst case scenarios involving loss of money and property, global warming, the economy in the toilet, terrorism... boogey monsters around every corner!
Of course, any SANE person would be able to shake thoughts like that and never allow them a moment of time, let alone take root and grow like Jack's beanstalk. But that is exactly what that cloud of doom is. I can see it sometimes on the horizon, and sometimes I wake up and there it is hanging over me. The worst part is, I feel completely alone, and that no friend in the world is willing to listen to my paranoid thoughts and comfort me, because, well maybe I deserve it. I'm essentially a bad person and I deserve this punishment. Yeah, that's in there too.
Of course this is all BULLSHIT and as I said yesterday, "It's nobodys fault but mine". The good news about that is, it is mine, therefore I alone can destroy the cloud. I do have friends, and not only are they willing to listen, they want to help.
A few days ago I used EFT after wasting a couple of days feeling doomed. Not Armageddon doomed, just a little doomed, like a regular supporting cast member on Star Trek. Things might look pretty grim, but you know they will be back next week.
We were discussing things that I might be suppressing that might be poisoning my spirit and my thoughts. At first childhood was discussed, since there is no shortage of trauma for most people who experience this type of issue. But failing to hit anything terribly sensitive, I suddenly realized we need to jump forward 16 years, to high school. With the help of my guide, I did EFT on a very traumatic experience from high school that has left deep emotional scars. We repeated the EFT process about 3 times, and after the 3rd time, I was able to tell the story without any of that feeling, like my guts are being vacuumed from the inside.
That was last Thursday. This is Tuesday, and I have had a fantastic week. I feel like reading and meditating in the morning, which gets my day off to a great start. It also tells me that I am in a good emotional place, just the fact that I want to read and meditate. I am feeling very strong against the cloud, it is staying far away from me now. I know I can keep it there by focusing on gratitude, and flushing any negative memory and thought as soon as it tries to creep into my mind.

Nobody's Fault But Mine

OK I admit it, I'm listening to Led Zeppelin on my ipod right now. I could not think of a title for today's blog that doesn't sound trite and smarmy. LZ is anything but trite and smarmy, so I took a look at the song title to see if it fit... and wow, cool! Whether I'm having a good day or a bad day, it's nobody's fault but mine. And right now I'm having a fantastic day, so even better!

My job is going very well. As you might remember, I started this job in February, and I was so close to the brink of disaster, I could look right into the dark pit and get dizzy from vertigo. That first paycheck actually brought tears of gratitude and relief to my eyes.

As soon as the gratitude started to subside, the paranoia started to get a grip on me. I knew I had 90 days in which to prove my worthiness. I struggled at first, to learn all the technical layers and processes of a new system and new application. Then, to add to a gnawing sensation of doom, they laid off a bunch of people last month. I was relieved not to be one of them, but at the same time I wondered why, and I wondered how long before I was next.

I continued getting up each day looking forward to my job, and I still do. I refused to give in to the cloud of doom that followed me and even squatted down right on top of me a time or two. I continued to read The Secret. Now, it may be a non sequitur, (religious people do it all the time, so I think I'm entitled) but I am willing to risk credibility and possibly sanity by suggesting that the positive thinking introduced to me by The Secret may have had something to do with all of this.

But wait, I am talking about much more than just not losing my job. I had my 90 day review 2 weeks ago and it went extremely well. I was thrilled to hear that my manager was happy with my progress. It took a couple of days, but I worked up the nerve to bring up the fact that my offer letter mentioned a pay increase if, after 90 days, I was doing well. Well, I was just informed this morning that I got the increase! WOOHOO!!! And there is a possibility of another increase next month when they do annual reviews for the whole company. :)

And all of this, is nobody's fault but mine!