Rules of Engagement

I have, over the past 40 years or so, collected and refined my own set of rules that I apply to relationships. I would like to share with you, the rules of engagement that I use for friendships. I would like to know if you think they are reasonable, or if I am a complete hypocrite.

Of course you must understand that if you call me a hypocrite, I will fly off the handle and say, “No, you’re the hypocrite, you hypocrite! How dare you call me a hypocrite!” Doesn’t everyone do that when being accused of hypocrisy?

But actually, please understand, also, that I am not saying that these are "The Rules" of friendship, nor do I recommend these rules for everyone. This is simply a self exploration exercise. It was quite a revealing experience to write all of this down, even if no one ever reads it.

This should be interesting, however, in light of the fact that these rules exist, but they have never before been published or communicated in any way. I don’t hand out contracts every time I meet someone. That might not be a bad idea; if anyone ever gets offended or pissed off at me, I can point to the contract and say, “It’s in the contract. I’m allowed to do that.” Just like Wells Fargo. But, unlike Wells Fargo, I make exceptions all the time. All of the following rules have exceptions, unless explicitly stated otherwise.

Rule 1: Friendships, in order to remain active, must be maintained by both parties. For example: If I call you and invite you to a party, or lunch, or happy hour, and you must decline or cancel, you are responsible for re-scheduling. Failure to reschedule 3 times will result in removal from future invitation lists. At any time after that, if you initiate contact and offer an invitation, your position on invitation lists is immediately restored and we can start all over again.

Rule 2: You must be able to drink responsibly, or not at all. Example: I know a certain person, whom I have crossed paths with at least 10 times, and not once have I ever seen her sober. If she were ever sober, she might have something to contribute to a friendship, perhaps (perhaps not), but I will probably never know. Another example: someone I met when she was sober, seemed like a nice, fun person to hang out with, so we go out for drinks. She has 2 or 3 margaritas and cannot stand up. Embarrassing, and we probably won’t be hanging out again.

Rule 3: No drug users. Exception: pot. I don’t mind people who smoke pot. I’m not getting into a major moral or philosophical debate about it, but in my opinion, there is pot, and then there is everything else. People who do coke, meth, etc., are living in a different world than I am, and I want to keep it that way.

Rule 4: No liars. I take people at face value, and I don’t lie to people about anything, ever. I mean, an exception would be, the “I’m happy, everything is fine” lie that you tell just about everyone when your relationship is not 100% great at the moment. That’s fine, sometimes you just don’t want to talk about stuff, I understand. I do it, too. But don’t lie about big stuff, like, my car got stolen, but you find out later the car did not belong to them and the owner just took it back. Or, the complete fabrication of an entire life history.

Rule 5: (Goes hand in hand with Rule 4.) No manipulators. If you want something from me, just come out and ask me. I love doing favors for people. If I am in a position to do something nice, I am going to enjoy the experience of helping out a friend. However, if I find myself being manipulated by someone, it will be the last time for that person. That is the only way for someone to become “dead” to me.

Rule 6: Never, ever date or become romantically involved with the ex of a friend. Or, god forbid, their current partner! I’ve been fortunate that this has not happened to me, but if it did, I’m sure it would be devastating.

So, although I do have rules for friendship, they are pretty basic and I can decide usually after one or two times, whether or not I will want that person’s presence in my life. The rules don’t change and I don’t change my mind later down the road. That is why I continue to be mystified when people who have been in my circle, or I have been in their circle, suddenly after 6 months or a year, disappear, and don’t return phone calls or emails. I often wonder what I did or said to cause them to change their mind about me. I know it’s a waste of time and energy, but I do find myself really feeling sad about some of the friends who have disappeared along the way. I realize that there is more than a slight possibility that it might have nothing at all to do with me. That being said, the ones who disappear after establishing friendship, passing all of my rules, do have something they probably don’t even know about, and I have no way of telling them: They are always welcome back. I don’t carry negative energy toward them at all, only a bit of paranoia about the friends I have now disappearing.