I'm watching The Secret again. I got laid off today, from what I belived to be the perfect job for me. I was enjoying the challenge, the location was near perfect, the pay was right, and it was "permanent", whatever that means by today's standards. I've been laid off plenty, 3 times in the last 3 years, plus two times I quit. Two of those layoffs, I saw coming, one of them was even welcome. This one was a completely different story. I fully expected to stay at this company for a long, long time.
So, based on what I believe about the law of attraction, I must ask myself: Do I attract this instability? What is happening in my thought pattern to attract this increasing instability? Why am I just not "fitting in" anywhere?
I feel so lost. I really want to change my thoughts, and I really need to right now. I need help.

Healing for a ridiculed child

When I was in grade school, I lived with my mother and stepfather in the middle of nowhere, Wyoming. I was completely unaware that my legs were slightly misshapen until much later in life. I remember running with all my might up the looooooong driveway to where the school bus was waiting, and it seemed to take forever, because the wind was ALWAYS blowing, it was ALWAYS cold, and when I did get to the bus, the kids would be screaming horrible insults at me, telling me I "run like a duck" and even the bus driver telling me to hurry, that everyone was waiting for me.
In gym class, I was always the very last one to be picked for games. I did not want to be picked at all, nor did I want to play any sort of game involving a ball or running. I had a gym teacher who made me stand in front of the entire class and ridiculed me for being a "bad example" of how to do well in his class. He selected my formerly best friend as a shining example of worthiness. She never spoke to me any more after that.
Why am I digging all this up, now, at the age of 40? Good question. It could be a pathetic attempt to obtain pity from strangers. It could be to nurture self loathing and resentment. But in reality, it is something I have been reluctant to think about or focus on until I realized the other day, that it could explain my continuing resistance to anything related to physical fitness. I am in constant conflict with myself because, as I just mentioned, I am 40, and I understand that if I don't take care of my body now, while I am in good health, the risk of poor health is only going to increase. And I will admit, vanity has a part to play as well.
So, what do I want for myself after all is said and done? I want to be fit, healthy, and look good in my jeans. The only thing stopping me from doing that is my own deeply rooted trauma. Those taunting, jeering voices of my school mates, my authority figures, even my step father, although they do not occupy much of my conscious thoughts, they have laid a foundation of how I see myself physically. Now that I am aware of that, and I know what I want for myself, all I need is to build a bridge from there to here. I am going to use EFT to bring peace to that hurt child that is still inside. I will report back here as soon as I feel differently. I fully expect to be taking my 40 year old child to the gym soon, and getting into shape!

Grudges

What's the difference between having a grudge and just not liking someone?
I firmly believe that there are people who you are just not going to like. No matter how sane and peaceful you keep your life, you just cannot like everyone you meet.
There is a woman in my house right now, on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being you wish they were dead, and 10 being the love of my life, I would put her about 3, maybe even 2. She is loud, rude, disrespectful, and claims to be Christian (only recently). I think she is a parasite. My husband knows her from Mexico. The fact she is here now (unannounced and uninvited - as usual), and not leaving, is making me a prisoner in the TV room. I just dislike her that much, that I would rather stay in here with my computer, than spend any time with her uninvited presence.
Here are the charges:
She accused my favorite belt (bought at discount for $40 at TJ Maxx) of not being real leather, in spite of the stamp on the inside that says "Genuine Leather". I mean, who does that, just walk up to someone and say, "That purse/bag/shoes/etc is not real." Who asked you??? Let me continue to believe what I paid for, alright?
She borrowed my 99 Expedition for way too long. My husband lent her the car and she drove it for at least 3 weeks, the last week or so of which she was unreachable by cell phone. I was one day away from filing a stolen car report with the police when she finally gave it back. With a damaged fender. No apology or thank you, at least not to me. I don't drive the car but I'm sure the tank was probably empty too.
She comes to the house whenever she is "in the area" and invites herself in. And stays way too long, telling lies very loudly. I know they are lies because I pay attention to details, and they tend to change as the dialogue goes on. The stories are just always too outrageous, too over the top, etc. And no matter what your contribution to the conversation, she is compelled to top it. "oh you lost a kidney. well I lost both my kidneys. Yeah, they were stolen. I got one of them returned to me, though... " blah blah blah blah....
I have not one shred of fake hospitality to show her. I do not offer a drink, a seat, I could have a delicious turkey right out of the oven but I would not offer her a drumstick. It would be like giving miracle gro to a weed.
I know how un-enlightened this all sounds, how un-peaceful, un-John Lennon like of me. I am guilty. I just don't like her and I can't fake it.

Remembering John Lennon

If I was given the gift of time travel, and could choose just one time and place I would like to experience, I would without a single doubt choose San Francisco, Haight-Ashbury area, 1965. Perhaps 64. Whenever the exact beginning of the hippie migration happened. The unique time and place that never before, and never again, would be possible on this earth. The time when all was peace, love, mind-blowing experiences, and nobody could imagine any negative consequences whatsoever.
John Lennon is an icon of that age. "Give peace a chance" is just as relevant today, if not more, than it was then. John was British, but loved America with all his heart, and put himself at great expense and risk to stay, in spite of continual pressure to leave.
People seem to generally believe that you must choose to be either pro-peace or patriotic; that patriotism is synonymous with support for war, any war. John was living proof that the two are not mutually exclusive at all!
I just learned from a documentary about him, that he and I have a lot in common. We both were born to a father who could care less, disappeared, and a mother who was not mentally or emotionally equipped to raise a child, let alone raise one alone. And we both turned out in spite of all that, to be peace loving, compassionate people, although somewhat rebellious. I do believe we would have a great deal to talk about.
I think John Lennon deserves a day of recognition. I think we should remember him every year, on the date of his assasination, because that day was the end of his physical being, but it was not the end of his life.
Peace, man.

Rules of Engagement

I have, over the past 40 years or so, collected and refined my own set of rules that I apply to relationships. I would like to share with you, the rules of engagement that I use for friendships. I would like to know if you think they are reasonable, or if I am a complete hypocrite.

Of course you must understand that if you call me a hypocrite, I will fly off the handle and say, “No, you’re the hypocrite, you hypocrite! How dare you call me a hypocrite!” Doesn’t everyone do that when being accused of hypocrisy?

But actually, please understand, also, that I am not saying that these are "The Rules" of friendship, nor do I recommend these rules for everyone. This is simply a self exploration exercise. It was quite a revealing experience to write all of this down, even if no one ever reads it.

This should be interesting, however, in light of the fact that these rules exist, but they have never before been published or communicated in any way. I don’t hand out contracts every time I meet someone. That might not be a bad idea; if anyone ever gets offended or pissed off at me, I can point to the contract and say, “It’s in the contract. I’m allowed to do that.” Just like Wells Fargo. But, unlike Wells Fargo, I make exceptions all the time. All of the following rules have exceptions, unless explicitly stated otherwise.

Rule 1: Friendships, in order to remain active, must be maintained by both parties. For example: If I call you and invite you to a party, or lunch, or happy hour, and you must decline or cancel, you are responsible for re-scheduling. Failure to reschedule 3 times will result in removal from future invitation lists. At any time after that, if you initiate contact and offer an invitation, your position on invitation lists is immediately restored and we can start all over again.

Rule 2: You must be able to drink responsibly, or not at all. Example: I know a certain person, whom I have crossed paths with at least 10 times, and not once have I ever seen her sober. If she were ever sober, she might have something to contribute to a friendship, perhaps (perhaps not), but I will probably never know. Another example: someone I met when she was sober, seemed like a nice, fun person to hang out with, so we go out for drinks. She has 2 or 3 margaritas and cannot stand up. Embarrassing, and we probably won’t be hanging out again.

Rule 3: No drug users. Exception: pot. I don’t mind people who smoke pot. I’m not getting into a major moral or philosophical debate about it, but in my opinion, there is pot, and then there is everything else. People who do coke, meth, etc., are living in a different world than I am, and I want to keep it that way.

Rule 4: No liars. I take people at face value, and I don’t lie to people about anything, ever. I mean, an exception would be, the “I’m happy, everything is fine” lie that you tell just about everyone when your relationship is not 100% great at the moment. That’s fine, sometimes you just don’t want to talk about stuff, I understand. I do it, too. But don’t lie about big stuff, like, my car got stolen, but you find out later the car did not belong to them and the owner just took it back. Or, the complete fabrication of an entire life history.

Rule 5: (Goes hand in hand with Rule 4.) No manipulators. If you want something from me, just come out and ask me. I love doing favors for people. If I am in a position to do something nice, I am going to enjoy the experience of helping out a friend. However, if I find myself being manipulated by someone, it will be the last time for that person. That is the only way for someone to become “dead” to me.

Rule 6: Never, ever date or become romantically involved with the ex of a friend. Or, god forbid, their current partner! I’ve been fortunate that this has not happened to me, but if it did, I’m sure it would be devastating.

So, although I do have rules for friendship, they are pretty basic and I can decide usually after one or two times, whether or not I will want that person’s presence in my life. The rules don’t change and I don’t change my mind later down the road. That is why I continue to be mystified when people who have been in my circle, or I have been in their circle, suddenly after 6 months or a year, disappear, and don’t return phone calls or emails. I often wonder what I did or said to cause them to change their mind about me. I know it’s a waste of time and energy, but I do find myself really feeling sad about some of the friends who have disappeared along the way. I realize that there is more than a slight possibility that it might have nothing at all to do with me. That being said, the ones who disappear after establishing friendship, passing all of my rules, do have something they probably don’t even know about, and I have no way of telling them: They are always welcome back. I don’t carry negative energy toward them at all, only a bit of paranoia about the friends I have now disappearing.

Cloud of DOOM and Paranoia

I occasionally have trouble with extreme paranoia. I get this feeling that a dark cloud is following me, and once in a while it catches up and squats right down on top of me. Those days are dark and dreadful. I start imagining that everyone is against me, every single person in my life, every friend, co-worker, my manager, my husband, my family, every friend I have ever had... all are against me, or hate me, or at the very least are apathetic and could care less about my sad existence. It gets worse. I imagine my husband is cheating on me, and the company I work for is about to lay me off. Perhaps one of my closest friends is with my husband, or has been, and they are laughing at me. OH HORRORS!!! Add to that, worst case scenarios involving loss of money and property, global warming, the economy in the toilet, terrorism... boogey monsters around every corner!
Of course, any SANE person would be able to shake thoughts like that and never allow them a moment of time, let alone take root and grow like Jack's beanstalk. But that is exactly what that cloud of doom is. I can see it sometimes on the horizon, and sometimes I wake up and there it is hanging over me. The worst part is, I feel completely alone, and that no friend in the world is willing to listen to my paranoid thoughts and comfort me, because, well maybe I deserve it. I'm essentially a bad person and I deserve this punishment. Yeah, that's in there too.
Of course this is all BULLSHIT and as I said yesterday, "It's nobodys fault but mine". The good news about that is, it is mine, therefore I alone can destroy the cloud. I do have friends, and not only are they willing to listen, they want to help.
A few days ago I used EFT after wasting a couple of days feeling doomed. Not Armageddon doomed, just a little doomed, like a regular supporting cast member on Star Trek. Things might look pretty grim, but you know they will be back next week.
We were discussing things that I might be suppressing that might be poisoning my spirit and my thoughts. At first childhood was discussed, since there is no shortage of trauma for most people who experience this type of issue. But failing to hit anything terribly sensitive, I suddenly realized we need to jump forward 16 years, to high school. With the help of my guide, I did EFT on a very traumatic experience from high school that has left deep emotional scars. We repeated the EFT process about 3 times, and after the 3rd time, I was able to tell the story without any of that feeling, like my guts are being vacuumed from the inside.
That was last Thursday. This is Tuesday, and I have had a fantastic week. I feel like reading and meditating in the morning, which gets my day off to a great start. It also tells me that I am in a good emotional place, just the fact that I want to read and meditate. I am feeling very strong against the cloud, it is staying far away from me now. I know I can keep it there by focusing on gratitude, and flushing any negative memory and thought as soon as it tries to creep into my mind.

Nobody's Fault But Mine

OK I admit it, I'm listening to Led Zeppelin on my ipod right now. I could not think of a title for today's blog that doesn't sound trite and smarmy. LZ is anything but trite and smarmy, so I took a look at the song title to see if it fit... and wow, cool! Whether I'm having a good day or a bad day, it's nobody's fault but mine. And right now I'm having a fantastic day, so even better!

My job is going very well. As you might remember, I started this job in February, and I was so close to the brink of disaster, I could look right into the dark pit and get dizzy from vertigo. That first paycheck actually brought tears of gratitude and relief to my eyes.

As soon as the gratitude started to subside, the paranoia started to get a grip on me. I knew I had 90 days in which to prove my worthiness. I struggled at first, to learn all the technical layers and processes of a new system and new application. Then, to add to a gnawing sensation of doom, they laid off a bunch of people last month. I was relieved not to be one of them, but at the same time I wondered why, and I wondered how long before I was next.

I continued getting up each day looking forward to my job, and I still do. I refused to give in to the cloud of doom that followed me and even squatted down right on top of me a time or two. I continued to read The Secret. Now, it may be a non sequitur, (religious people do it all the time, so I think I'm entitled) but I am willing to risk credibility and possibly sanity by suggesting that the positive thinking introduced to me by The Secret may have had something to do with all of this.

But wait, I am talking about much more than just not losing my job. I had my 90 day review 2 weeks ago and it went extremely well. I was thrilled to hear that my manager was happy with my progress. It took a couple of days, but I worked up the nerve to bring up the fact that my offer letter mentioned a pay increase if, after 90 days, I was doing well. Well, I was just informed this morning that I got the increase! WOOHOO!!! And there is a possibility of another increase next month when they do annual reviews for the whole company. :)

And all of this, is nobody's fault but mine!

Miss Pissy Pants

That's me, today.

My problems are dreadful. Not everybody in my world likes me and I can't stand it!

Well, my view on life might be a bit skewed right now due to hormones. But I have been given some great opportunities to use self help methods to return balance to my roller coaster emotions.

One friend of mine, who is just the most adorable and sweet person you ever could meet, is one of the suspects. She did not come to my party this weekend. I invited her weeks ago, and she immediately rsvp'd that she would go with her boyfriend. Not only did she not show up, she never called either. So today, being 3 days after the party, I IM'd her, to see what the deal is. She replied that she just did not feel like going, she went motorcycle riding instead. Then she logged off IM without saying anything further, or even saying "brb" or "hey i'm going to lunch" or anything. I saw her log back on and she never said another word all afternoon. The message seems clear to me: "Leave me alone, I didn't want to go to your stupid party." I can't get over it. I have not the foggiest idea what I might have done to offend her. My feelings are very hurt right now. I want to ask her WTF, but that is not really my style. I am hanging onto that seemingly improbable idea that this might not be about me. Really? Is that possible?

Well one of my other sweet adorable friends (not one of today's suspects) helped me (or should I say, attempted to help me) through this situation with the Sedona method. She asked me three questions: 1. could you (in theory) simply release this "very pissy" feeling? 2. would you (would you like to/prefer to) simply release this "very pissy" feeling? 3. WHEN???

Obviously the correct answers to 1 and 2 are "yes", and the answer to 3 is "now", which I tried to, am still trying to, respond with, without much success. I still feel too justified in my hurt. I don't know how this will work out, but for now I am just going to use my default option of not confronting her, and see how I feel tomorrow.

The other suspect of the day is my cube neighbor. I am supposed to be shadowing her, and I jump on every opportunity to learn more about my job and the environment we work in. For some background: The cube I occupy, across from my neighbor, was until last week occupied by another BA that quit, under what I gather to be unhappy circumstances. Immediately after she left, the whiteboard in the cube had a message "This cube now belongs to Adam". Well, the subject came up with me & my manager, that it would be nice for me to be closer to the action, the BA I am supposed to be shadowing, and the other BAs and SAs. My existing location was rather isolated, and frankly, lonely. So, I jumped on the chance, and she said, well move you into Jane's old cube. I said, what about Adam? She said, oh well too bad, or something to that effect. This conversation was right about 5:00 pm on a Thursday, so I moved the next day. My new neighbor was not in that day.
Monday, I happened to be in the elevator with my new neighbor. I said, hey guess what! I moved into Jane's old cube! Her reaction was simply, I thought Adam was moving into that cube???? She was obviously not happy at all about this change of plans.
Well there is no making this long story short. She has been rather on the chilly side since then. I noticed that in spite of the tremendous workload she has, she is not letting go of any of it. Today she actually handed some of it to another cube neighbor. Something I could have done. Maybe not easily, but that's the whole point of me being assigned to help her, I have to learn how to do this stuff!

OK so I will report back soon and let you know how things worked out, and how I keep my emotional balance regardless of what either of these people says or does.